the things that I think;

Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions.
Oh let’s go back to the start.

Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.

If it’s true that those whom you dream of are thinking about you,
then I believe you must be dreaming of me too.

When I was in Hong Kong, I was really excited to come back to Vancouver. I mean, I love Hong Kong and I love my family there, but Vancouver is my home. I missed my home, my mother, my friends, and just being in Vancouver felt right (no matter how much I complained daily.) Then I come back, and it does not even feel like home.

I wonder if it’s because I’ve been gone for too long that my family doesn’t even understand me anymore. Ridiculous misunderstandings. I finally understand how it feels to not want to explain yourself; I mean, out of everyone I’d expect you to understand me at the least. I’ve never changed who I was; I grew up to be a really straightforward person, someone who doesn’t know how to be fake even though I understand how that is now sometimes necessary in society. And yet, I am being misunderstood for something so wrong. You may think that I’ve changed how you look at me, but for you to believe such bullshit forever changes the way I view you too.

Am I expecting too much? Am I not supposed to expect these people whom are so close to heart to me to understand how I’d think? So many times I’ve made a point on how I felt, yet over and over again I am not being taken seriously. The saddest part is knowing that I would never let any of this bullshit happen if I was in-charged of this situation, there wouldn’t even have been a ‘situation’.

So much has happened in just a week. I long to feel at home again.

我終於為自己做了一個理智的決定。我的心終於不用再次又再次的被受傷了。也許是一件該做的是，但是為甚麼現在的心還是會有很不習慣的感覺。我知道我回來之後，全部的東西都會不一樣，這一點已經能夠讓我的心流淚。
就算我的心有多麼的不捨得，我知道我不可能跟一個對著我說謊的男人在一起。真的很痛。一件我重復又重復跟他說我是不可能接受的是，他竟然重復又重復的去做。
自己還要像個白癡一樣，相信如果我問他，他是會跟我說實話。但是他沒有。没辦法不承認之後，還是沒有悔意，沒有說最簡單一句的＂對不起＂。
雖然這個決定是我說的，但是其實是他做和没有做的，說和沒有說的，讓我做這個決定。他的口是說没有放棄，但是當一個人做錯了還是不說對不起，我已經知道他放棄了我們。
傷心是一定會的。捨不得是一定會的。但其實可以讓自己不在因為同樣的是去哭，也是一件好是。我相信我慢慢會了解這一點。

We all just need one reason to hold on

I believe one of the hardest dilemmas of life is when your logic and emotions are not in tune with each other. You logically know what you should do yet there will always be a voice coming from your heart saying, “give it one more try.” But it’s never just one more try, it’s another after another after another.
Logically, there are so many reasons to just disregard these so called feelings and protect oneself from getting hurt. But even someone that has so much self-love like me only really needs one good reason to forget about the logisitics and just fall madly, deeply in love. I may complain about many things, but as long as at the end of the day I can say to myself, “at least he shows that he truly appreciates me and treats me with respect and love”, then I’m already satisfied.
I try so hard to hold onto this so called reason, when slowly I’m realizing it’s not even there anymore. It’s now that I know how much words can hurt. But I don’t think I will ever understand why such hurtful words could come out from someone like you..
Even that hopeful heart that always whispers, “just one more try!” will eventually get tired. Tired of the pain.
The real question is, when do you do your heart a favour and set it free from all this devastating pain? Is it more painful to go through this repetitive, hurtful cycle or is it more painful to attempt to move on, knowing that failing could be a possibility?

世上也許有事情 我們不希望發生 只能夠接受
我們不希望去了解 但是只能夠去學習
還有 即使有多不願意他離開的人
但又不能不放手
世事往往事與願違
所以許願這回事只是一些彷徨的人
一種自我安慰的方法
可事人總不能只相信自己
走了四十多年起起伏伏
彎彎曲曲的人生旅程
中途趺過 痛過
令我體會到無論你自以為有多堅強
又或者是一個強者
也總會有無助的人刻
這個時候有人會選擇向他們相信的神求助
而我會選擇相信 當壞事壞到最後 好事就會來臨
所以今晚我選擇斷續如常生活
因為我相信美好的事總會出現
只是我們沒辦法預知
它會以什麼形式以及什麼時候發生
-誰家灶頭無煙火

SOTD: It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right.

My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain…